Mental Health and the Holidays- Elisha Farley, LCSW

Let's be honest. The holidays never look like they do in Hallmark or Lifetime movies and not everyone is looking forward to them. Whether we manage mental health day-to-day or not, the holidays can cause depression, anxiety, challenge our self-esteem/feelings of ourselves, and contribute to grief. They can also trigger a variety of emotions both positive and negative. 

I often have clients come to my office and talk about the holidays. They talk about feelings of stress, being overwhelmed, pressure they have put on themselves, pressure they experience from others, unrealistic expectations they have for themselves, and unrealistic expectations they may experience from others. 

Let's put a stop to this right now. The holidays for you do not need to be what is in the movies, what your parents did for you as a child, what your parents didn’t do for you as a child, what you think your parents/family/or others think you should be doing, or what you think is going to get you the most likes on social media. Be more realistic and stop trying to create the “ best” or “ideal” holiday. Lets just plan to get through the holidays with as little negative impact as possible. Whatever this holiday looks like for you- is what it is. Remember, it is different for us all and this is okay. 

Perry Como sang it beautifully, “ there is no place like home for the holidays.” I encourage you to make home wherever you are. Make your home a space where you can celebrate the holidays in a way that feels safe for you. Allow it to be without pressure, expectations, shoulding yourself, boundaries, and the word “NO.”

I thought it would be fun to ask all of the therapists at AE Wellness, LLC to help me create this blog for the holiday. I asked them: “ if you could give one piece of advice to all of your clients about the holidays and this time of year, what would it be? Here is our collaboration: 

1- If it doesn’t feel good - don’t do it. 

Stop watching the movies because you think you should be putting yourself into the “ holiday spirit.” “ It is okay if you aren't filled with joy during the holiday season,” said Arianna Denison, MS. Stop watching all of your friends and family post all of their “ Fun” holiday activities and impact how you feel, especially if it is negative. Remember, people only let you see what they want you to see. It is ok to unfollow or block if that is what you need to feel better. Better yet, just turn the screens off- all of them. Every therapist at AE said something about your ability to say “No” and keeping clear boundaries. Just because it is the holidays doesn’t mean you are obligated to say “Yes”. As Alanna Higgins, LSW said: “ there is choice in how you spend the holiday and who you spend the holiday with. Everything in our life is voluntary- yes there are consequences to not completing certain tasks, but you have control over how your holiday is spent. “ You have every right to say “ NO”. Others do not have to like or agree with your decisions. 

2- Family is NOT mandatory 

The holidays are often associated with “ Family.” However, not everyone comes from a healthy and safe family. Often families can be unhealthy, unsafe, or even toxic, so spending time with them may not be the best thing for some. If that is the case for you, it is again alright to keep your boundaries and continue to say “ NO.” Yolanda Andre, LCSW said: “ Holidays and celebrations are best when we are with those who both love and like us” [ and that we love and

like]. Therefore, if you are dreading a holiday activity; OPT OUT. Tiffany Marron, LSW said it best: “ It is okay to truly connect with others, make memories, share stories, reminisce, and fall back in love with the true spirit of the season.” If this isn’t done with biological family and instead done with your family of choice, then do that instead. Again, you have a choice. If saying no to an event or gathering isn’t an option for you for whatever reason, then make sure you have a plan in place. Meaning, you don’t have to get there when it starts and you don’t have to stay until the end. You can also have an escape plan! 

3- It’s OK to say “NO” 

This seems to be a running theme here. I have said it before and am going to give it its own space to say it again. The holidays come with so much unnecessary pressure. Saying no to others is important, but it is also important to say no to yourself at times. Tiffany Marron, LSW reminds us that it is necessary to “ Say No to overthinking, to spending too much money, to stressing whether or not this season is going to break your bank account.” Allow yourself to be realistic with what you can and cannot do as well as what you can and cannot afford. Again Tiffany reminds us that “ we cannot take materials with us when we leave this earth and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for what we can’t have or can’t give.” I know for myself there are only a few things I remember giving and receiving as a child. What I remember more is the things we did or didn’t do during that time. Take this holiday season as an opportunity to create memories that you enjoy and traditions that you look forward to. I feel it is also important to remember that the holiday season is just that; a season. They can be celebrated at any time. It doesn’t have to be on the exact date of whatever holiday you celebrate. 

4- Grief doesn’t need to stop you from Celebrating 

Going through the holidays without people that were once there, can make the holidays even more challenging. However, as Ashley Rohrer, LPC reminds us “ Think about ways to create new traditions with your current self or family and [friends] that can be something you look forward to in years to come rather than focusing on who or what is missing.” This is my absolute favorite thing to remind all of my clients as well. We can take those experiences we had with others and allow them to live on in a way that makes us feel good rather than staying stuck in sadness. It is absolutely ok to feel sad; give yourself time and space for it, but it doesn’t need to stop you from continuing to live your own life, having new experiences, and creating new memories. New traditions can be a beautiful way to remember and honor our past and memories with those we loved and take control of our experiences. “ Memories last forever and all it costs is your time.” Tiffany Marron, LSW. 

5- DON’T WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE - DO IT FOR YOURSELF! 

Returning to the concept of Family, some of us may want to be family or even with friends and may not be able to. There may be barriers and limitations that don’t allow this to happen this year. Just because you may not be able to be with others and experience the holiday with

others doesn’t mean you need to sit this one out. If there is something that you want to do or something you want to experience during this time of year. DO IT! Don’t wait for someone to ask you or for someone to be available. Just do it for yourself. Don’t hold off decorating because no one is coming over- If you like it, DO IT FOR YOU. Feelings of loneliness and depression symptoms increase during this time of year for many different reasons. I always say, “ negative and positive feelings can coexist, but the negative don’t need to stop you.” Try to give yourself the space for both. It is alright to have experiences or things that make you feel good, even if for a moment. Don’t make excuses, or wait for others; you deserve it, do it for yourself! . 

A Few additional reminders to get you through 

★ Alcohol and drugs are only temporary fixes. Try to abstain or moderate. ★ Food is fuel for your body. “ You don’t need to starve yourself or save calories. Let yourself enjoy the holiday foods. [ it only comes once a year]” Arianna Denison ★ There is no “ right way” to spend the holidays 

★ Stop “ shoulding yourself” 

★ Give yourself a break - stop and relax when you need to. BREATH 

★ Get enough sleep 

★ Don’t over schedule yourself 

★ Focus on what you have and what is good in your life. Don’t put too much energy into what you don’t have and what's not there. 

★ Make time for exercise. This is a healthy stress relief 

★ Remember - you can celebrate the holidays at any time! 

★ Your best is ENOUGH.